dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
