So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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