Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
did i walk over a car last night?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
