Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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