Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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