i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
