Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
