i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
