My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
