Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This is classic penis vs brain.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
