she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
