I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
