I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
