btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
