What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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