I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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