mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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