allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
