Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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