my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
