well I can't set my house on fire every night
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
