I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
