Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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