***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
