Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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