And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i came on her dog
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
