i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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