I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
