I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
