Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i've created a new STD.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Let's get the cat blown out
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
