wakey wakey hands off snakey
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
