you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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