I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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