...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
