He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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