I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
