Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
