Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We're too hungover to prance.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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