All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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