I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
