I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
