Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
