enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
