How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
