fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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