I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
sarcasm needs its own font
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
