My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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