God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
