I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
