I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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